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Labour & Life
February 12, 2021
When I gave birth to my daughter it was the beginning of the most intense relationship of my life. In fact the beginning came before the messy labour and the emergency c-section, it began when I ‘decided’ to have a baby, I was a pretty dominant person and once my mind was set on something I would go flat out to achieve it, no difference with the whole baby thing as far as I was concerned, so as planned I got pregnant very quickly and had a relatively fuss free first pregnancy.
However in hindsight I do think my mind had started to tick differently, I felt ever so slightly suffocated by the knowledge that it was all down to me, that this was it now, the journey had begun and there was no turning back.
I felt ever so slightly cross that my husband could have a bottle of wine with dinner but I had to abstain, the same with goats cheese and pate.
I felt ever so slightly fed up that I ballooned at the end of the pregnancy and had in total put on 3 and a half stone and would be me that would have to lose that weight.
I felt ever so slightly annoyed that this baby inside me would kick, punch and move with absolutely no regard for my organs or my need for sleep.
And above all else I felt guilt that I even felt or thought these things, even fleetingly and would panic and beg for nothing to happen to the apple seed or kiwi or melon sized baby inside of me because I already knew that this thing was a part of me, even when separate I could feel the enormity of its presence.
I had ‘planned’ my labour – nothing too out there just a straight forward hospital birth with as a few a drugs as possible, unless I really needed them, I was fit and healthy and strong of mind and I really wanted to labour at home, I had visions of me calling out to my husband ‘its time’ before heading to the hospital, I had images of me sweat covered pushing with all my might and just about coping with the pain before the release and relief and joy at holding my new born in my arms. Nothing too magical, nothing beyond the realms of belief, just a normal labour with a healthy baby, a proud daddy and a tired but elated mommy.
Then 2 weeks before my due date I was told that the baby had lost the fluid around its head and that I needed to be induced immediately. I went into shock. I argued with the midwife and doctors but they gave me no choice, the baby was in danger, this needed to happen.
The day I went into be induced I still thought there was some way I could take back the control, I checked again whether this was actually essential and whether it wasn’t possible to just see if I went into labour naturally….a resounding no meant I was then, over the next 5 days, brought slowly and painfully to the point of giving birth. I was in a whole world of pain and had been pushing for much longer than I'd ever expected and my baby was now stuck in my pelvis.
I was now completely out of control, high on drugs I signed on the dotted line that basically said get the baby out however you can and do your best to help us both live.
I was lucky enough to be awake for the C-section that eventually came and was shown my tiny daughter before she was whipped off for checks and the six layers of my abdomen were put back together and sealed shut.
After the first days and weeks of euphoria a deep and niggling feeling began its journey from the depths of my mind – why had this happened? I am sure it could have been avoided? What could I have done differently? And the most damaging and rarely voiced of all ‘I failed’.
This for me was the start of my slippery slope, I felt that for the first time in my life not only had ALL control been taken from me but that I had failed miserably at something I felt certain I was able to do.
Looking back I cant help but think that these feelings and thoughts I was having has worked in some way to shape the relationship with my daughter. Did I unconsciously try that extra bit harder to control her feeding? Did I push her that bit harder to be the perfect baby rather than accepting her for the baby she was? Did I strive to succeed above and beyond what was necessary because I had ‘failed’ at the first hurdle?
Fortunately (or unfortunately as it felt at the time) my daughter had other ideas, she is fierce and ferocious in defending her own choices in life, from the moment she refused to leave my breast and take to the bottle to this day when she steadfastly refuses to give up on her wants and needs. The anger, the tears the overwhelming unfairness of it all I see in her is a reflection of me, even if I don’t shout and scream at the level she does, I can understand that she is a reflection of me, that when I see things in her behaviours that seem so alien to me and make me blush or feel ashamed through I can now see that this is in some way how I treat myself, not others as I am an a mature and emotionally intelligent adult, but inside I am perhaps only as emotionally intelligent as an 8 year old, torn between want and need and good and bad, between loving life and hating all the injustices I have to face.
Through mindfulness I am beginning to see that its all okay, that not everything can be controlled and that feeling all the emotions I am able to feel is an absolute joy – even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
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HARD WORK gets you to where you want to be. HARD WORK = money. HARD WORK = success. These are the beliefs that took me through school and into my corporate career. I soon discovered I had an insane amount of energy for work (I am a Generator, its in my Human Design go to https://buff.ly/2HboqCD to find yours). After a heart-breaking divorce from my 10 year job, a toddler at my feet & a baby barely out of my belly I did what I knew how. I worked. HARD. And it worked. Success followed. Money followed. But what I began to realise was that the energy to work hard only lasted whilst I was REALLY into something, that when I wasnt ALL IN then the energy that carried me through came from reserves that could and did run dry. I KNEW I wanted something different. I KNEW that this life I had no longer fit. I also 'KNEW' that I had to continue. (Quitters never prosper - another belief I liked to beat myself up with). Many of you know what happened next, burnout & depression. Now that was HARD. I no longer believe in hard work, I believe in joyful work. Please learn from my mistakes and don't let your old beliefs and conditioning lead you to burnout, depression and a miserable existence. So, let’s take a look at some limiting beliefs examples that may be holding you back in life: I am just not good at X If she/he would only X, then I could finally Y. I’m just unlucky. When I’m ready, I’ll finally be able to achieve X. I never have the time. I don’t deserve X That’s just the way I am. Recognise any of these? What are beliefs? A belief is a thought we take to be true. It is a state of mind in which confidence is placed in something. We create beliefs about ourselves, other people, the world we live in and the reality we experience. But since beliefs are thoughts that we hold as truth, we need first to understand the thought and truth behind the belief. Beliefs can keep us stuck in unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, they can impact negatively on your relationships, work, lifestyle and levels of joy. If the compass of our beliefs are pointing in the wrong direction then it can lead to a life that feels hard and heavy. Where do beliefs come from? Beliefs come from your sensory inputs being triggered. It’s a cause and effect. You experience something that happens. You give that event meaning and it sows or reinforces neural connections in your mind. What if you started to look at the beliefs you hold and strip them back? In this free workbook, we’ll work together to recognise limiting beliefs that are holding you back, and how to overcome them so you can become the best version of yourself and live a life full of joy, passion and fulfilment. Get your copy here: https://buff.ly/3OVagrq
It's all going to end terribly!!!!!!!! So many people are caught in the catastrophising loop. Something happens and your mind takes you to a place when all the worst outcomes occur. Understandable I guess in the current climate, it is all pretty catastrophic but feck it all gets a bit much doesn't it? When you find yourself in this pattern there are some things you can do: 1. Grab a piece of paper and write down all those bad outcomes that you are spending your energy worrying about. 2. Read back over it and call yourself out on the stuff that really is bullshit. How likely is that scenario? How realistic are you being? 3. With what is left from the bullshit cull work out if you need/can take any action. Can you get some training on that piece of work you messed up? Who can help you right now? What can you do about it? 3. Change the picture. What if the opposite was true? What if it all worked out? See that there are many possibilities available. 4. Speak to someone - talking out loud can really help put some perspective on things. 5. Breath - clear your head, get outside, run, walk, do some yoga. Get out of your head, into your body & into the present moment. And if it really is shit get some help. Don't suffer alone. People really do care.
7 Easy Tips To Prevent burnout So many people are a breath away from burnout. They are working too many hours. They are not taking breaks. They are not getting outside. They are not exercising (or exercising too much!) They are drinking more than usual. They are sleeping badly. They are waking up early. They are worried and anxious. They are spinning a million plates. They are holding the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are looking after everyone else's needs before their own. Here’s the reality if you get burnt out: No-one gets cared for The work won’t get done And most of the stuff you are worrying about will become irrelevant If you are feeling like burnout then take stock NOW. Here are 7 simple tips to prevent burnout.
Journal Prompts to Manifest Your Dream Day. Doing something you love is an incredible way to be living your version of an awesome life. Imagine waking up every day, feeling happy, inspired and ready to go? Knowing that you are doing the one thing that doesn’t feel like work and getting paid to do it… I am a realist, I know that we often take a job that suits us at the time, that pays the bills and keeps us fed and clothed, there were times in my life (and for many others) it felt there wasn’t much of a ‘choice’ when it came to taking on a job, sometimes we do it out of necessity. Perhaps you’re in a role that you once loved but that has now become stagnant, unfulfilling and just pretty un-awesome. I know you want to make the most of your life, and that means at some point you have to stop settling and making do. It's one thing to pay the bills, but it’s a completely other thing to give up on a life you love. And so, I ask you, what do you really want your awesome day to look like?
3 tips to support you in gaining career clarity so you can finally take the leap in finding your true happy
The more I commit and sink into a life with JOY at its centre the more joy I find. Don't imagine that I skip around laughing and smiling at everything, my kids incessant arguing, housework, financial gripes and the challenges that life throws my way of course work to bring me down. BUT I chose JOY as a way of life. I CHOOSE joy every day. I love setting people on this path because I know it's available for THEM just as it is for me. Joy is just a choice away. Don't waste you life 'ticking by'. Just existing isn't enough. You deserve more. You deserve a life filled with joy and excitement and feeling good. Start you on the path to finding your joy. Follow me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/projectawesomelife #onelife #projectawesomelife #choosejoy #lifecoach #joycoach #inspiration #motivation #dothething
I loved my career. I spent over 20 years developing my skills, nurturing my contacts and bettering my skills. I worked for companies that I 100% backed and gave my all too. I created my own business that I was so proud of that I could have burst. I adored it all. Until I didn't. That gnawing sense that this wasn't where I should be any more. The whisper that became a yell to do something different. It was terrifying. It wasn't just a way of earning money (although this was a massive factor), it was who I was. It had been my lifes work. How could I walk away? And what the f*ck was I going to do instead? I took the leap, followed the whispers and the nudges. It hasnt always been easy but even at the toughest times I have no regrets. I have this ONE LIFE and I made ME my project. I wanted to live an AWESOME LIFE. Not just a safe, mediocre existence, doing the same thing over and over again in the hope that something would change to make me feel MORE. If you feel the whisper, the call, the yell to do SOMETHING whatever it is YOU CAN DO IT. It may not happen overnight, it may not be super easy, it may not even work out but trust me it is so much fun trying and it beats a life of boredom and regret. DO THE THING. #projectawesomelife #onelife #liveit #whynotyou Come join me on Facebook: https: www.facebook.com/projectawesomelife
Do you know what you want? Do you know what your version of an awesome life looks like? Do you know what makes your heart sing? Your head buzz? Your senses tingle? I didn't know for such a long time that I got stuck. And being stuck made me ill. So I got clear - how did I want to live? What make me feel alive? What brings me joy? How did I want to show up in the world? I love meeting new people, I also love time alone. I love getting outdoors, I also love having a nice home to rest in. I love adventure, I also love the comfort of the familiar. I get bored doing the same thing and find the challenge of something new exciting (also scary but I do it anyway!) I like to rebel against the norm. I like to do 'hard things' that seem impossible or unlikely. Above all else I want a life of EASE and JOY. No more pushing, grinding away at things that no longer fit ME or the life I want, no more settling, no more 'existing'. I wanted a life lived ALL IN! No regrets! Getting clear on what I wanted out of MY awesome life was the first step to really living my version of an awesome life. It is simple once you know how. Be really honest with yourself and what YOU want. Go deep. Find your truth. And then take steps each day to live THAT. Come join me on Facebook: https: www.facebook.com/projectawesomelife #projectawesomelife#onelife#lifecoach
It really annoys me (not very mindful - I know, I know!) that Mindfulness and meditation seems surrounded by such competitiveness and snobbery. This is meant to be a reachable and achievable route to happiness and contentment for everyone, yet it seems that unless you are at one with the planet, spiritually awakened and a master yoga practitioner then you aren’t really allowed to claim you are mindful or that you meditate. Why the hell do I need to meditate for an hour a day to achieve a mindful state? Now don’t get me wrong, I have studied at length the mind and Neuroplasticity (the capacity of the nervous system to develop new neuronal connections) and I get that the mind is a muscle and the more you work it the better shape it gets into; think of squats and your butt for an analogy: MORE SQUATS = FIRM ASS, MORE MEDITATION = FIT MIND… ….but what gets on my wick is that for beginners to Mindfulness, the idea of sitting on a mat, legs crossed (lotus position anybody?) with your hands held in a certain way (Mudra) can make you feel a bit silly. I know for me it certainly did and still does to a certain extent….Why does my hand position matter? Why do I have to cross my legs? Can I not be mindful or meditate whilst sitting on the sofa? I have read that Mudras help with energy transmission through the body, palms down makes energy flow through the body, palms up makes it flow out to the world – but really all I want to do is chill out, give my mind a rest from its chatter, achieve a little perspective, work the brain muscle so it can focus better when needed and notice the lure of negative spiral thinking when it comes along. I am not in any way against spiritual connections, awakenings or enlightenment, bring it on I say, but I am against putting off the layman meditator with a list of rules and regulations. I have always been a bit of a rebel so to me, feck the meditation snobs and the Mindfulness gurus and just get stuck in! My straight up, no nonsense simple hints for Mindfulness: Slow down Take it in Treat others well Treat yourself as you would treat others Thoughts are just thoughts. Is it a useful thought? If not, move on. My straight up, no nonsense simple hints for meditation: Sit however you damn like. Do bear in mind if you love sleeping in the foetal position and curl up in bed to meditate the chances are you will fall asleep, so sitting somewhere at least where you can be fully awake is a good starting point. If you do fall asleep then you obviously needed the rest. Enjoy! Put your hands where you feel comfortable. End of. Start small and put no pressure on yourself to build up further in the first few weeks (or months if that’s what it takes). One minute. Two minutes. It’s all good! Your way is fine. Keep doing it. Ten minutes a day is meant to be the basic target to reach for as a beginner, but if you can’t manage that who cares! Just do what you can. Some weeks I am full of zen and as mindful as Yoda, other weeks I can barely sit still for 15 seconds. Do I feel less mindful because of this? The answer is quite simply NO! I will be running some Mindfulness and mediation challenges in the group on a regular basis but they are in no way going to put pressure on you, it’s going to be a fun exercise where we do what we can and discuss the wins, fails and everything in-between in a safe group of likeminded, non-snobby peeps who wouldn’t mind having a go at learning something new, that may just take them a step closer to their version of an awesome life. Join my Facebook Community here: https://www.facebook.com/projectawesomelife
Hey you…not you…the other you? Talk of getting to know or embracing your inner selves used to leave me wanting to stick my fingers down my throat (judgy me coming out perhaps?) but this is one of the core Project Awesome Life Tools in learning to have an awesome life. So breathe deeply and let’s take a closer look at those inner voices….I promise it will be worth it... So what is the inner voice? Typically your inner voice will be your own voice (although not always). It speaks to you in your head– your thoughts speaking out aloud to yourself– it may speak positively, negatively, nicely or horribly – for some its every now and then for most it is an ongoing ‘chitter chatter’ in your head (I’m an ongoing ‘chitter chatter’ type). Sometimes this ‘chitter chatter’ is inane and not hugely interesting - a bit like watching an episode of the Kardashians - background noise, holding little weight and not hugely influential to the way we live….But our inner voice often takes on a more imposing role, demanding we listen or going on so much that it’s hard to ignore. We are so used to hearing these inner voices that we don’t even realise what they are. We think they are just ‘us’, ourselves talking to ourselves and that they speak the truth – after all they are in our heads and so must be ‘ourselves’ and they must be speaking the truth. Why would we lie to ourselves? But the truth is these voices have been with us for so long we can’t differentiate between truth and lies, fact and fiction. Being aware of my inner voices has been one of the biggest parts of my learnings and is a great place to start in learning about Mindfulness and NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). Start by listening to your inner voice – notice when it pops up (its more often than you think) and ask yourself a few questions: What is the tone of the voice? What are they saying? Is it critical? Is it pushy? Does the voice give advice? If so what does it say? How does it make you feel when it pipes up? What does your body do when that voice speaks? Do you have different voices that arise in different situations, ie critical voice telling you are not good enough when you are at work, and a victim voice with your partner? Notice the differences, if you can, note them down and come up with a list of your inner voices and how they talk to you. At this stage you do not need to do anything more than be aware of them and notice what they are saying and how it makes you feel. If you can start doing that over the coming few days you will begin to notice the power of them reducing. Here are some of mine: Task Master Me – Oooh I do love to hang around with the ole taskmaster in my head, she normally moans if I am trying to rest and refers to me as lazy. She pushes me to take action ALL OF THE TIME. She is my list maker. Sometimes we get on great as she pushes me to do things and helps me keep on top of things but she often goes too far and drives me to take on more, do more and be more to everyone and everything. After a stint with her I normally end up with; Perfect Me – is one I’m pretty close to, and one I find most hard to recognise as she hides herself under my beliefs. For example, I have a belief from childhood that you should always do your best, work hard, that good behaviour and high standards are to be met and kept. Now this isn’t overly damaging in itself but, when ‘perfect me’ steps in to give her two pennies worth, telling me that things aren’t quite right, or its not quite ready, or its not 100%, it leads to procrastination, hesitation and inactivity! When she is around I tend to hold my head up and profess righteously that its not the right time/place/situation/feeling etc, etc. ALL of this takes me further away from my version of an awesome life! So I have learnt what ‘perfect me’ is, and although its tough to break habits of a lifetime, the more I do it the easier it becomes. Bitchy Me – ‘Bitchy me’ kicks in when I am usually tired or rushing – she is the voice that comments on others and usually in a non-positive way. Usually my head cocks to the side and my lips sneer a little or my head gives a little shake as I judge and comment with abandonment. Bitchy me can sometimes seem like fun (look at THAT! Ha ha) but when she turns on me its like been thrown into a ditch and kicked repeatedly. ‘You look like shit’; ‘You can’t carry that off’, ‘Who do you think you are?’. I have become pretty good at managing the outward bitchy me, the attitudes of mindful living have taught me that, but the inner one isn’t as easy to deal with, it’s an ongoing thing. Guilty Me – Guilt comes in many guises and believe me I have wallowed like a pig in shit in most of them. Guilt beats me up, she sucks me in and chews me up and very often doesn’t spit me out until I am a quivering wreck. Guilt is sneaky and makes me believe that I SHOULD feel guilty about the things I feel guilty about and that if didn’t feel guilty then I’m not worthy of the title of human. She is a fecker and I had a real problem with her a few years back. Now I know what she is there for it’s a lot easier to understand and I can sometimes even be pretty welcoming to Guilt, as she often gives me some insight I need (although other times I do just tell her to feck off!) Now at the risk of sounding like a loon these are just a few of the voices in my head (there are more!?) but the key isn’t who, what, where and how many ‘voices’ you have its about BEING AWARE of them and being able to stand back and view them as they are….thoughts, NOT FACT! Join my Facebook Community here: https://www.facebook.com/projectawesomelife
